Love Hurts

In June, I had a conversation with someone at work about Kime.  They told me that they had lost their best friend 20 years ago in a truly horrific accident.  What happened was awful and the lack of justice in the aftermath was atrociously unfair to the point of being nauseating.  

This person told me that it doesn't get any better.  In 20 years, the loss can still catch you completely unaware and devastate you.  

They said that at least it gives you an appreciation of the people around you.  You know everything can be taken away at any second and you should make the most of it and appreciate all the moments you get with the people you love.

This is where I just don't get it.

I mean, the sentiment makes sense to me.  I understand the logic.  Yet my response has been completely different.  I have pushed everyone as far away as possible.  People CAN be snatched away from you at any second with no warning.  So, why take the risk of loving them?  Isolate yourself as much as possible so that it doesn't hurt when they are gone.

When I dated DB, I could not understand that need to be isolated and alone and able to do anything in life without relying on anyone else.  Now I think I have a way better understanding of the point of all of that.  Losing people sucks.

I am trying to break away from that.  There are so many people in the world that I have loved and enjoyed.  Cincinnati has provided me with friends, with a family, that I never expected and am awed, inspired and endlessly amused by.  

My new job has provided me with a whole new set of amazing people.

It is panic inducing to try and rekindle relationships or forge new ones but I am trying.  I want to believe that the good outweighs the fear of loss.  I want to believe that love is worth pain.  I don't yet but maybe I will get there.