Depression is not a Four Letter Word

I posted a picture of myself crying in the car yesterday.  This was not because I was looking for attention or sympathy (although I do appreciate everyone's support).  I was in my car  driving along and just struggling.  There wasn't even a reason.  Intellectually, I know that I have a good life.  I have a fantastic job that I love.  I have a great house.  My daughter is brilliant and funny and wonderful.  There are people who love me.  I should not have anything to cry about.

None of that makes it any easier.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  Whenever it hits me I hide from people until it passes.  I don't want to be that person.

The last two years I feel like I have been on a giant emotional downward spiral.  Every time I think that I am okay there is some larger and larger event that knocks me on my ass.  I have spent the last year hiding.  I have almost completely cut myself off from being social.  Not because I want to do so but because it has become such a habit that I don't know how to break it.  I feel so awkward trying to reach out to people.  I feel like an asshole when I can't muster up the courage to show up.  I think I am a bad friend and the anxiety tells me that it has gone on so long that I don't have anyone left.

I think that I should be able to just shrug it off.  I think I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  I think that I should just be ok.

So, what is wrong with me that I am driving along on a beautiful sunny day and just CANNOT stop crying.

DEPRESSION.

That is why.

There is such a stigma on it.  People don't talk about.  Everyone lives such social media lives.  If you look at what you are seeing from most people everyone you know is just living lives of adventure and fun and happiness all the time.  It feels like you should be able to live up to that.  It makes it more scary when you can't.

So, I am just going to drop the mask.

Yes, I have adorable pets.

Yes, I go on fun adventures.

Yes, there are days where I laugh like crazy.

There are other days when I just can't handle anything.

There are days when I cry.

There are days when everything seems to be just too much.

And that is ok.

I am trying to do things to be better and that is the best I can do.

And it is ok to cry and it is ok to let people know that I cry.

And you can too.

Don't Go in the Basement

Soooooo, last night.  Rain!  Am i right?

My neighbor's landscaping is pushing rivers of water into my yard. . . Which overflowed my pool.  When i tried to lower the level the pump would not start. . .  And the overflow water plus the neighbor rivers overwhelmed th1e two sump pumps in my basement.  It flooded despite my best rescue efforts.

This morning came through with a whole lot more rain!


Bonus, i got the pool pump working today but then smoke started coming out of it and it does not function.

Owning a home is a trap.

It is pouring right now so I should probably check on the basement . .but Schrodinger suggests that it is best if I don't look. 

Say My Name!

I am mostly tolerant of people's reactions to my name.  Oluwaseyi!! It is fun to discuss with people who are generally curious.  Those other people though. . .

I am accustomed to people reading a list of names and being completely unprepared for something with so many vowels.  When they start saying "Ummmmmmmmmmm" I will cut them some slack and tell them how to pronounce it.

Yesterday, I was talking to a few new people who were asking about my name and background.  One of them said "If you have an American mom and were born here couldn't they have just given you an American name?"   My ACTUAL reaction was "no.  that would not have been nearly as much fun".  What I was thinking was "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Then he said it "Well, you MUST have a nickname."

Whenever anyone says this to me, and I have heard it about 984573905790834679834679 times in my life, I say that I do not have a nickname.  The inevitable conclusion is them saying they will call me O and me saying I will not answer to that.

In the case of yesterday, I think I asked how he was able to get an MD/PhD but couldn't master the 5 syllables in my first name. STOP BEING SO LAZY PEOPLE!  Something different won't hurt you.

So, just for everyone's edification here is my Top 5 list of shit I never want to hear again when people encounter my name.

1.  I say my name and they say "Gesundheit"  (That stopped being funny when I was 7)
2.  You MUST have a nickname
3.  How can that be your name when you don't have an accent?
4.  It must have taken you a really long time to learn to spell that.  (Nope.  I am not a dumbass)
5.  Do you have an american name?  (Do you have a Nigerian name?  No?  Then shut the fuck up.)