Why my Older Sister is A MONSTER!

I text my sister a thousand times a day but we never talk on the phone.

Last week, I was sitting in a hotel eating dinner when my phone rang.  I looked and saw it was my sister calling and froze like a deer in headlights.

My brain started shouting:

Oh shit.

Why is she calling me?

Did something happen to one of my nieces?

Would she call me or my parents?

Oh fuck.

Did one of my parents die?

Did BOTH of them?

Is she dead and the people at the crash are just calling the last person who texted?

Could they get in her phone?

Shit.  Shit.  Shit.

Is it Gramma?

This is going to be the last moment where everything is normal and everyone is alive and fine.

Order a shot.  Face this with liquid courage.

(Drinks shot).

20 minutes of psyching myself up

(Call sister).

Sister:  I already figured it out.

Me:  what?

Sister:  The game you were playing with Baby Seyi last time you were here.

Me (cautiously):  Heads Up

Sister: I know

Me:  What is wrong with you?!?!

Sister:  what?

Me:  Don't ever call me again without sending me a text first saying no one is dead!

Sister:  Ummkay

She has no idea what she put me through!!

What are Phones Even for Then?!

I never make phone calls.  If I am meant to talk on the phone why are there SO many convenient ways NOT TO?!

So, on the rare occasion I do call someone they assume someone is dead or I am on fire.

Today, I called someone to have this conversation.

Me yelling:  I am driving to the airport and there are PRAIRIE DOGS!

Them confused:  okaaayyyyyy?

Me still yelling:  just prairie dogging all over the place!!

Them still confused:  ok

Me realizing they don't get it and still yelling:  I have never seen one just...where it lives and I thought it was a piece of wood that looks like a prairie dog then I saw a bunch of them just doing that prairie dog pose IN REAL LIFE!  Outside.

Them:  I am at Home Depot.

Me realizing they are not sharing my joy:  I gotta go.  I was just excited and I needed to call and yell about prairie dogs

Them: kbye

Some people just do not appreciate my joy in wandering the world.

The Mystery of the Ubiquitous Cat

My cat, Watson, is a stalker.  Every time I go into a room the cat is lurking somewhere.  She is forever hidden under a dresser, sitting in a bookcase, or hiding behind a curtain.  I got used to her looking at me like this constantly a long time ago.

The thing I can't figure out is how she is in all rooms at the same time.  If I am doing a load of laundry she will be in the closet behind the hamper.  Then she is under my bed when I pass through my bedroom.  When I go through the kitchen she is sitting on the counter and when I get to the basement she is hiding behind the laundry sorter.

How is this possible?!?!

I have decided that either she can either teleport or there are several identical cats inhabiting my house.

I bought a bell for the other cat who never makes any noise so that I can here is she has managed to get trapped in a closet or room and let her out.

I think I will put a bell on Watson as well so I can see if there is more than one cat.  I hope the magic cat clones can't clone the bell as well!