No no. I UNDERSTAND

With the powerball (?) jackpot up super high a friend asked me to give them numbers to play.

I said if they win with my numbers then I would like one quarter of the money and an elephant.

They decided to negotiate my request.

Them:  I will give you a quarter of the money and you can buy your own elephant.

Me: I will take one third of the money and you can buy me an elephant.

Them:  That is more money!

Me: Ok.  I will take one third of the money, buy my own elephant and you can buy me a pony.

Them:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  Ok.  One third of the overall jackpot.  You pay all taxes.  I will buy my own elephant and pony and you will pay for their upkeep.

Them:  HUGE SIGH.  I don't think you understand negotiations.

Me:  Ok. . .half the money post taxes and I will buy and keep up my own animals and you can pay my race entries for life.

Them:  I would rather pay for elephant upkeep.

Me: SOLD!!!

Love Hurts

In June, I had a conversation with someone at work about Kime.  They told me that they had lost their best friend 20 years ago in a truly horrific accident.  What happened was awful and the lack of justice in the aftermath was atrociously unfair to the point of being nauseating.  

This person told me that it doesn't get any better.  In 20 years, the loss can still catch you completely unaware and devastate you.  

They said that at least it gives you an appreciation of the people around you.  You know everything can be taken away at any second and you should make the most of it and appreciate all the moments you get with the people you love.

This is where I just don't get it.

I mean, the sentiment makes sense to me.  I understand the logic.  Yet my response has been completely different.  I have pushed everyone as far away as possible.  People CAN be snatched away from you at any second with no warning.  So, why take the risk of loving them?  Isolate yourself as much as possible so that it doesn't hurt when they are gone.

When I dated DB, I could not understand that need to be isolated and alone and able to do anything in life without relying on anyone else.  Now I think I have a way better understanding of the point of all of that.  Losing people sucks.

I am trying to break away from that.  There are so many people in the world that I have loved and enjoyed.  Cincinnati has provided me with friends, with a family, that I never expected and am awed, inspired and endlessly amused by.  

My new job has provided me with a whole new set of amazing people.

It is panic inducing to try and rekindle relationships or forge new ones but I am trying.  I want to believe that the good outweighs the fear of loss.  I want to believe that love is worth pain.  I don't yet but maybe I will get there.

High and Mighty

I got this new tattoo about a month ago not realizing that it would be such a conversation starter.  It has a ton of meaning to me but the majority of people looking at it cannot even begin to figure out what it is and a lot of them ask.

I have been saying "it is an endogenous opioid peptide responsible for runner's high" because . . . it IS an endogenous opioid peptide responsible for runner's high.  What I did not realize until yesterday is that is about as clear to people as the tattoo.

Three people in the airport yesterday that asked about it seemed completely taken aback.  They basically thought I told them that I do heroin recreationally.

I am trying to rework my explanation.

How about this?

I am a long distance runner and a scientist.  This is the chemical that makes you feel euphoric when you run long distances.

Depression is not a Four Letter Word

I posted a picture of myself crying in the car yesterday.  This was not because I was looking for attention or sympathy (although I do appreciate everyone's support).  I was in my car  driving along and just struggling.  There wasn't even a reason.  Intellectually, I know that I have a good life.  I have a fantastic job that I love.  I have a great house.  My daughter is brilliant and funny and wonderful.  There are people who love me.  I should not have anything to cry about.

None of that makes it any easier.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  Whenever it hits me I hide from people until it passes.  I don't want to be that person.

The last two years I feel like I have been on a giant emotional downward spiral.  Every time I think that I am okay there is some larger and larger event that knocks me on my ass.  I have spent the last year hiding.  I have almost completely cut myself off from being social.  Not because I want to do so but because it has become such a habit that I don't know how to break it.  I feel so awkward trying to reach out to people.  I feel like an asshole when I can't muster up the courage to show up.  I think I am a bad friend and the anxiety tells me that it has gone on so long that I don't have anyone left.

I think that I should be able to just shrug it off.  I think I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  I think that I should just be ok.

So, what is wrong with me that I am driving along on a beautiful sunny day and just CANNOT stop crying.

DEPRESSION.

That is why.

There is such a stigma on it.  People don't talk about.  Everyone lives such social media lives.  If you look at what you are seeing from most people everyone you know is just living lives of adventure and fun and happiness all the time.  It feels like you should be able to live up to that.  It makes it more scary when you can't.

So, I am just going to drop the mask.

Yes, I have adorable pets.

Yes, I go on fun adventures.

Yes, there are days where I laugh like crazy.

There are other days when I just can't handle anything.

There are days when I cry.

There are days when everything seems to be just too much.

And that is ok.

I am trying to do things to be better and that is the best I can do.

And it is ok to cry and it is ok to let people know that I cry.

And you can too.

Don't Go in the Basement

Soooooo, last night.  Rain!  Am i right?

My neighbor's landscaping is pushing rivers of water into my yard. . . Which overflowed my pool.  When i tried to lower the level the pump would not start. . .  And the overflow water plus the neighbor rivers overwhelmed th1e two sump pumps in my basement.  It flooded despite my best rescue efforts.

This morning came through with a whole lot more rain!


Bonus, i got the pool pump working today but then smoke started coming out of it and it does not function.

Owning a home is a trap.

It is pouring right now so I should probably check on the basement . .but Schrodinger suggests that it is best if I don't look. 

Say My Name!

I am mostly tolerant of people's reactions to my name.  Oluwaseyi!! It is fun to discuss with people who are generally curious.  Those other people though. . .

I am accustomed to people reading a list of names and being completely unprepared for something with so many vowels.  When they start saying "Ummmmmmmmmmm" I will cut them some slack and tell them how to pronounce it.

Yesterday, I was talking to a few new people who were asking about my name and background.  One of them said "If you have an American mom and were born here couldn't they have just given you an American name?"   My ACTUAL reaction was "no.  that would not have been nearly as much fun".  What I was thinking was "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Then he said it "Well, you MUST have a nickname."

Whenever anyone says this to me, and I have heard it about 984573905790834679834679 times in my life, I say that I do not have a nickname.  The inevitable conclusion is them saying they will call me O and me saying I will not answer to that.

In the case of yesterday, I think I asked how he was able to get an MD/PhD but couldn't master the 5 syllables in my first name. STOP BEING SO LAZY PEOPLE!  Something different won't hurt you.

So, just for everyone's edification here is my Top 5 list of shit I never want to hear again when people encounter my name.

1.  I say my name and they say "Gesundheit"  (That stopped being funny when I was 7)
2.  You MUST have a nickname
3.  How can that be your name when you don't have an accent?
4.  It must have taken you a really long time to learn to spell that.  (Nope.  I am not a dumbass)
5.  Do you have an american name?  (Do you have a Nigerian name?  No?  Then shut the fuck up.)